This is a special blog (essay) aimed at a special group of people. It is for persons who have witnessed a loved one suffer a long illness before they passed away. I am one of those people. There are many hundreds of these people, like me, but we seldom hear about them or talk to each other. They are special caretakers with a difficult task. I have been motivated to write about this because several close friends and relatives have been through the same thing. This is for them, but for me also. We need to talk about it with people who have experienced the same thing, just as combat veterans who have PTSD need to talk to veterans who have experienced the same thing. We all need a good support group. Having sympathetic friends, who have never experienced this, simply saying we know how you feel, makes little sense to us. We have lots of questions, some of which you have heard of before like “why do bad things happen to good people, why do they have to suffer so much, or simply asking God, why?”
Perhaps there are no good answers for these questions, or at least not answers we humans can understand. So rather than seek those answers, we must try to figure a better way to cope with our situation.
It should be noted that the coping does not end when the person passes away. Coping with this situation often extends well pass the passing of the person we love. This often surprises the caretaker. The person we love can be a child, a spouse, a parent, or even a very dear friend. Clearly it must be someone we dearly love. My parents lost my sister when she was 26 years old due to cancer. My mother, perhaps because of her deep spirituality was able to accept the situation, but my father, left the church and was not at peace for a very long time. So, we must recognize that healing takes a long time. Some more quickly than others, but we need to know that it generally does not always end with the person’s passing.
By coping I mean being able to be at peace with the situation. That can only come with God’s help. We seek the peace that only God can provide, it is not the peace that the world offers. I may return to that later but I would like to admit that I had great difficulty in being at peace until much later. No one situation is alike, but there are definite similarities. First let me describe a little about my situation.
When we become primary caretakers for a loved one, their illness is either loss of mental capacity or loss of physical capacity or both. In my case, my wife had vascular dementia. A relatively rare disease that affects both the physical and mental abilities. Her mental problem or dementia was different from most in that she was more confused rather than simply the loss of her memory. Even though she gradually could not read or write or even walk she thought she did those things. She thought she was ok and could be cured, she just needed to get to the right doctor. There is no cure for vascular dementia and usually it lasts about 6-7 years. Since there is no cure for vascular dementia, her neurologist tested her to be sure the diagnosis was correct. Both he and her primary doctor explained this to her to let her know the condition would only get worse. I am not sure she ever understood this until the very end.
This is the burden on most caretakers. Knowing that you cannot help your loved one even though they continue to appeal to you for help. This creates a feeling of helplessness and sadness. You must find a way to overcome this feeling or their illness can affect your health, both physical and mental. In this case, it is only natural that we are encouraged to turn to prayer and religion. Unfortunately, this can often lead to the questions we started with, like why do bad things happen to good people and why do some people have to suffer so much?
Some well-meaning persons even said to me that you are doing such a good job of taking care of your wife, and they would add – that is your cross to bear as a good Christian. That made no sense to me, she was the one suffering, not me, it was her cross! I needed to hear from someone who had been through the same thing or worse. I continued to pray and talk to Jesus and soon he supplied the answer. He said, my mother, Mary, went through the same thing. That message startled me. He said, like an incurable disease, she knew she could not change history and had to witness in sadness and sorrow while her son was rejected, tortured, and killed. But she knew he would shortly join his Father at his right hand in Heaven and no longer be subject to any suffering. However, knowing this could not lessen her sorrow in watching her son suffer while he was on earth. But it became clear, I was not alone, a lot of people were/are carrying the same type of cross. I was not alone and it was important to recognize that. And this group of like sufferers could understand my struggle and become my support group. I hope by sharing this in writing many of you will seek out these types of support groups. We cannot carry out this task by ourselves. We need to talk to others we need to know we are not alone.
So, it occurred to me that my cross was like the sorrow of Mary and my strength was knowing that my loved one, after passing away, would also be in heaven with her Savior with no more pain or suffering. This gave me the peace that I was looking for but all of this did not occur until over a year had passed of my loved one’s death. Realizing that the goal was to get to Heaven and that was where she was, it was important to focus on that. This has finally brought me the peace that I and so many others seek. I continually remind myself she is safe in Heaven and I often talk to her.
It is important to know that she is in Heaven. Knowing that she is in heaven is supported by the many books, my wife and I have read and discussed; in particular, books written on near-death-experiences (NDEs). There have been many books written by individuals on their specific experiences, one of the best is “Proof of Heaven” by Dr. Eben Alexander. I highly recommend it. However, the book I like best is “Imagine Heaven” by John Blake. It reviews several hundred cases and develops the most common experiences for NDEs. If you are uncertain that Heaven exists, these books will make you a believer that Heaven exists just as the Bible promised. If you want to experience peace, you must come to believe that Heaven exists.
I must admit this did add another question to the list of questions I previously proposed; that is why did God decide to reveal to us the existence of Heaven, and why now? I am not sure of his timing (who is), but my reading of Scripture reminded me that both the prophets and Jesus predicted things that were true and they eventually came to past. We find one of the most astonishing predictions in Isaiah. Isaiah wrote in the year 742 B.C. “Therefore, the Lord himself will give you this sign: the virgin shall be with child, and bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel”. Jesus also predicated the destruction of the Temple in 70 A.D. when he was addressing his disciples in the Gospel of Luke as they were admiring the magnificence of the Temple, he said “the day will come when not one stone will be left on another, but they will all be torn down.” Apparently, the people to whom Isaiah and Jesus were addressing were not good listeners and did not realize the importance of what they were told. For whatever reason God has chosen in recent years to reveal the existence of Heaven, we had better be good listeners!
Well, as a caretaker, you may now feel like your belief in Heaven and that you are not alone in recognizing that many carry a cross which is like yours including the cross Mary, the mother of Jesus bore and now you finally have peace. That is good but often when the person you were taking care of passes, and particularly if it was a spouse, some often recognize they are now alone and ask, “why am I still here”? We all know that God has a plan for each one of us but often we don’t know what it is. Also, sometimes I believe we are afraid to ask. Well, my wife had a gift for me after she departed which was exactly what I needed. While going through her things I discovered a small leather-bound book called “Jesus Calling”. It turns out that it is a very popular daily devotional, but I do not recall my wife ever using it, although I am sure she did.
I began to read it each morning. It slowly began to change me. The most important thing I realized was that I was never alone. Jesus is always with me! It also helped me to realize that being thankful is an important part of prayer life. Perhaps the most important part. Becoming a more thankful person means that we are thankful for everything (God’s plan for us), including the difficult task of being the primary caregiver for a loved one. That was a big step for me; by being thankful for everything we can never become the victim. We become better people. I am still learning how to walk with Jesus. I am going to repeat the devotion for November 25th, it explains what I am trying to say:
Thank me frequently as you journey through today. This practice makes it possible to pray without ceasing as the apostle Paul taught. If you are serious about learning to pray continually, the best approach is to thank Me in every situation. These thankful prayers provide a solid foundation on which you can build all your other prayers. Moreover, a grateful attitude makes it easier for you to communicate with Me.
When your mind is occupied with thanking Me, you have no time for worrying or complaining. If you practice thankfulness consistently, negative thought patterns will gradually grow weaker and weaker. Draw near to Me with a grateful heart, and My Presence will fill you with Joy and Peace.
The book, Jesus Calling has been so helpful to me that I have purchased copies and given them to others.
As I get to the end of this writing, you can probably see that I did not answer the questions “why do bad things happen to good people, why do they have to suffer so much, or simply asking God, why?” What I have done is to give my thoughts and experiences and my opinions on how I cope. What I have tried to do is to give a reason for the life we have been asked to live and how to cope with it. The most important thing is to recognize that Heaven exists and that our loved ones are safe and joyful in Heaven. The next thing is to recognize that many, like us, have had to carry a similar cross that we have carried.
It is also important that we recognize that we are not alone, Jesus has invited us to walk with Him, and that we still have work to do in the time we have left by spreading God’s love to others in need. Lastly, we need to fully accept the importance of being thankful for everything. This has given me the Peace we all seek and I hope this writing has helped you.
Lastly, I need to say this: in being caretakers for a loved one over a long period of time, both they and we change. I know of one case of a man who cared for his wife who had Alzheimer’s by himself until one day he entered her into a nursing home. This is always a difficult decision and often accompanied by guilt. When asked what changed, he said my wife no longer recognizes me and I no longer recognize her as the loving woman I married. As we struggle with this difficult task we often want to quit and say things we don’t mean and wish we had never said. This is all part of the human struggle and most of us did the best we could with abilities given to us by God. Remember we did the best we could. He knows of our human limitations and forgives us and welcomes us as he says well done faithful servant. Hence, we must also forgive ourselves.
Peace be with you.
Will Lannes